Solution to Strifes and Quarrels
Question: What is the root of quarrels, wrangles and disquietude in the family?
Answer: Self interest is the root of quarrels, wrangles and disquietude in the family. Everyone wants his desire to be fulfilled, longs for favorable circumstances, wants to lead a comfortable and luxurious life, longs for his own glory and has an axe to grind. As dogs play together very lovingly but start quarrelling as soon as they get a piece of bread viz., they quarrel for their selfish motive, so do human beings quarrel.
He who has a longing for his own comfort is an individual rather than a member of a family. A member of a family is he who thinks of the welfare of all the members, old, young and of equal age and does good to them.* Therefore he who instead of wrangles wants quietude in the family, should think of the duty of his own and the rights of others viz., should perform his duty and do good to others, honor others and provide comforts to others.
* ayam nijah paro vetti gananā laghucetasām udāra caritānām tu vasudhaiva kutumbakam
This is one's own and this is of someone else-only the narrow minded persons think so. For the broad minded (generous) people the entire universe is like one's own family.
Question: What should parents do if two brothers quarrel together?
Answer: Parents should do justice to both of them. They should say to the younger son, "You should follow the example of Bharata, Lakşmana and Satrughna and behave towards your elder brother as they behaved towards Rāma. Similarly you should show the same behaviour towards your elder brother as Bhīma and Arjuna showed towards Yudhisthira". In the same way they should say to the elder brother, "You should follow the examples of Rama** and Yudhisthira in your dealings with your younger brothers".
** Vide the article, Rāmāyana Me Ādarśa Bhrātr Prema' in the Tattva-Cintamani Part-II and meditate on it.
Question: What should parents do if there is a quarrel between the sister and the brother?
Answer: Parents should favor the daughter because she has to live in that house for a short time and then she will go to her husband's house. She deserves gifts † and honour. The son is the master of the house and he will ever remain there. The parents should tell him, in loneliness 'Dear son, don't slight your sister, she will not live here, she will go to her house while you are the master of this house'.
A sister should not have any expectation of her brother. She should accept less than she is offered by her brother thinking that the articles offered by her brother will not serve much purpose, she will have to depend on her own resources.
† It is as virtuous to provide food to a sister, a daughter or a sister's daughter as it is to a Brahmaņa (a member of the priest class).
Question: What is the duty of parents if there is a quarrel between their son and daughter-in-law?
Answer: Parents should tell them, "We shall not live for a long time in this house; both of you are the owners of this house. You are to shoulder the responsibility of this family. If you quarrel together, who will bring up this family?"
In loneliness they should advise the son, "Your wife has renounced her parents for you. You have renounced nothing, you are an heir to the property of your father. So it is your main duty to provide all necessities for her and to please her with your body, mind and wealth. But remember that you are her husband, don't be a slave to her. Being detached, work for her welfare. It is the duty of a human being to do good to all beings. What will you do if you don't do good even to your wife?" Similarly they should preach to their daughter-in-law, "Daughter, you have renounced your parents, brothers and other kith and kin for your husband. What will you do if you can't please and serve him. How shameful it is for you if you nullify so much of sacrifice! You have to perform only one duty of being faithful to your husband.”
"The only duty of a wife is to be faithful with her body, words and mind to her husband."
(Manasa, Aranya. 5/4)
Question: What should parents do if their daughter and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other?
Answer: The mother should preach to the daughter, "Dear daughter, your brother's wife has the modern influence. If she utters any undesirable words, you should respect her by regarding her as older than you. She is the mistress of the house, so you should respect her more than me. If you respect me less, I shall not be displeased because I am attached to you as you are my daughter."
The mother should give advice to her daughter- in-law that she should respect her husband's sister more than she respects any other member because she is like a guest. Moreover she should love her children more than other children.†† This is a rule that the mother gets pleased if her children are pleased. Thus she should please her. This sort of behaviour leads a person to salvation.
If the mother on account of her attachment to her daughter wants to offer anything to her, she should not accept it. She should say to her mother, "I shall accept this offer only if my brother's wife gives it to me. If you give it to me, she will feel hurt and she will quarrel with you. I have not come here to cause this wrangle. Moreover if I take from you, I'll receive it for a short time only. But if I receive from her, I shall receive it for a longer time. So from different view points of renunciation, of practical life and of self interest it is better to take it from her only."
†† The mistress of the house should love her husband's sister's children the most. Then she should love the children. of her husband's younger brother and then of her husband's elder brother. Afterwards she should love the children of her mother-in-law and finally she should love her own children.
Question: What is the duty of younger brothers if their elder brother quarrels with parents?
Answer: The younger brothers bowing down to the feet of the elder brother should imploringly say to him, "Respected brother, If you behave in this way, who will set a good example to us? Therefore be kind to us and behave towards the parents in the best possible way. By doing so, you will be doubly benefited. First your behaviour will leave a good impression on the members of the family and the society; and secondly we shall follow you by which you will gain spiritual reward. Therefore your conduct should be ideal. We can only request you because you are just like our father."
Question: What is the duty of the elder brother if younger brothers quarrel with parents?
Answer: The elder brother should preach, "Dear younger brothers, you and I are boys while our parents are respectable and adorable for us. By their grace we have received this human body by which we can realize God. We can never be free from our debt which we owe to them. But if we act according to them and please them, we can be excused from our debt. We cannot be free from our debt to them even if they are furnished with shoes made of the skin of our bodies, because these bodies are also theirs. By doing so we offer their own possessions to them, we don't give anything of our own. It is our mistake to assume their possessions as ours. They have a full claim over us and so they are free to have any kind of dealings with us according to their own sweet will."
Question: What is the duty of a brother if the sister quarrels with parents?
Answer: The brother should favor justice and while doing so he should favor his sister and should say to the parents that the sister has come as a guest. So she should be loved. But if the sister is unjust, the brother in loneliness should tell her, "Sister, there is glory of love rather than of wrangles. Parents are respectable. So all of us should respect them. Why should we dishonor them for petty things?"
Question: What is the duty of the elder brother if his younger brother quarrels with his (elder brother's) wife?
Answer: The elder brother should threaten the younger brother by saying, "What are you doing? From the view point of the scriptures elder brother's wife is just like mother. Study the characters of Laksmaņa, Bharata and Satrughna again and again, notice their behaviour towards Sītā and meditate on those characters. By doing so, your feelings and intellect will be purified."
Question: What should the elder and the younger brothers do if their wives quarrel with each other?
Answer: Each of the brothers should give advice to his own wife. The younger brother should say to his wife, "You should regard my elder brother as your father and his wife as your mother and accordingly you should pay your respect to them." The elder brother should say to his wife, "For you my younger brother is just like your son and his wife just like your daughter; so you should love them. Being elderly you should forgive her for her mistakes. How will you be entitled for seniority if you don't have power of toleration? You will be superior to her only if you tolerate what she says and also love her. Finally the angry person is a loser while he who tolerates the angry words of others patiently is the winner."
But the brothers should be cautious lest they themselves should indulge in wrangles. Women have less power of toleration. So brothers should be cautious. If they can't live peacefully in the joint family, they should live separately in order to maintain love in the family. There is no use of their living separately if they continue quarrelling. So the purpose of living either jointly or separately is to maintain love. When they separate, they should not quarrel over the division of property etc. The younger brother should accept the share which is given to him by the elder brother, while the elder brother should give him more than his share because being younger he deserves his affection. But if the younger brother thinks that act of his elder brother is not justified, elder brother should act according to the wish of his younger brother instead of his own.
Renunciation is very valuable. It is a blunder to have attachment or aversion to petty things because the material things will remain here while attachment and aversion will accompany you to the next life. Therefore a person should ever be on the alert and should never desecrate his heart.
Question: What should brothers do if their sons quarrel together?
Answer: As far as possible a brother instead of favoring his own son should favor his brother's son. If the brother's son has done something unjust, he should peacefully explain it to him and make him understand his injustice. It means that the brothers should renounce their selfishness and pride and should have good dealings with all the members.
Question: What is the duty of the Youngman if his mother and wife quarrel with each other?
Answer: In such circumstances the young man finds himself in a dilemma. If he sides with his mother, his wife starts weeping; and if he sides with his wife, his mother feels sad that she has no claim on him, only his wife has a full claim on him. In such circumstances he should honour his mother specially, should side with her and should advise his wife in loneliness "No one is more honourable and adorable to us than my mother. No one is a better well-wisher for both of us than she is. She may use harsh words and be outspoken in her remarks, yet she instead of thinking ill of you, always thinks of your welfare from her heart. If you want to please me, you should please my mother". He being henpecked should not indulge in wrangles, fights and malice. It is a deadly sin if he slights and insults his mother and sister etc., being persuaded by his wife.
He in loneliness should imploringly say to his mother, "Mother, this poor girl having renounced her parents and family has come here; therefore only you can love her here, besides you who will hear her grievances? You are her mother. You should bear with her if her dealings with you are unfavourable. Where will she go if both of us are not considerate to her? Therefore, kindly excuse her. In my childhood I passed stool and urine on your lap several times but you never grew angry by regarding me as your fragment; you rather excused me without considering it an offence.
Similarly you should excuse her by regarding her as your fragment. As the tongue does not get angry with the teeth being bitten by them and does not regard them as its enemies, so should you not feel angry with her even if she by chance does something wrong to you because she is your fragment. As I am your fragment, so is she, being my fragment, your fragment."
Question: What should the husband (father-in- law) do if the wife and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other?
Answer: The husband should threaten his wife and should give assurance to his daughter-in-law that he will advise her mother-in-law not to quarrel. He should advise his wife in loneliness "Look, you are her mother. She has come to our house having renounced her parents and family. Therefore it is your duty to rear and love her like your daughter. To whom, except you, will she tell her grievances? On whom will she depend?"
He should advise his daughter-in-law, "Dear daughter, whatever your mother-in-law does, does for your welfare only. Since she gives birth to the son, she expects that her son's wife will come and obey and serve her. How can such a mother-in-law do an ill to her daughter-in-law? It is because of childishness that you feel ill of what your mother-in-law says and you feel that it is undesirable. You have come here having renounced your parents etc. Can you not please even your mother-in-law? How long will she live? You are the mistress of the house. If noble persons come to know about the quarrel, they will blame you only because if elderly and children quarrel, the blame goes to the children rather than to the elderly people. Therefore keeping all these points in mind you should improve your behaviour so that your mother-in-law may not feel it. If sometimes your dealings happen to be bitter, you should beg her pardon by weeping and bowing to her feet. This will leave a good impression on your mother-in-law and will grace the domestic life. Why do you become an instrument for feud and fractions in the family. Obey your elders and bow to them in the morning and evening. Don't argue with your mother-in-law when she is angry. When she becomes quiet, tell her with patience what you feel. She may or may not agree with you but you will not be at fault."
Question: What is the duty of the son if father and mother quarrel with each other?
Answer: As far as possible the son should side with his mother but the father should not know this fact that his son is siding with his mother. He should say to his father, "Father, you are the master of the house. My mother will express her feelings only to you. Who else will pay attention to her? You should keep your promise which you made in the presence of fire and Brahmaņa (a member of the priest class) at the marriage ceremony. Without paying attention to the duty of my mother, you should perform your duty. If you observe decorum, my life as well as my mother's life will improve here as well hereafter; otherwise where shall both of us go? What will be our condition without you? I am not giving you advice but I am only requesting you. You are requested to forgive me if I say anything improper because you are elder to me. The elderly people should forgive the younger ones for their mischiefs. Bhrgu kicked Lord Visņu but Lord Vişnu's glory instead of decreasing increased. So think over it. I have no right to advise you, you know everything yourself."
In order to avoid wrangles in the family it is the duty of every member that he/she by renouncing his/ her own right should protect the rights of other members. Every person wants to gain respect and honor, therefore he/she should offer respect and honor to others.
Question: If a mother siding with her son harasses his wife, what should she (the wife) do?
Answer: She should think that her husband and his mother are the owners of the house while she has come from other house. So she should please them without thinking what they say and do. She without having malice should have good dealings with her mother-in-law. She should safeguard her virtuous feelings and should not desecrate them. She should pray to God, "O Lord! offer good sense to them while offer the power of toleration to me."
Question: What should the woman do if her husband and her father-in-law quarrel with each other?
Answer: It is her duty to advise her husband by saying, "All the possessions here belong to your father. Even your mother has been brought here by your father. All the wealth and property etc., have been earned by him. So we should respect him and obey him in everyway. It is justice, righteousness and your duty to obey him. You are automatically an heir to his property without any legal formality. So you should carry out all his orders. You should always respect him with your body, mind and speech. If he out of anger uses harsh words for you, you should think that he is the best well-wisher for you. So you should never hurt his feelings. Even if I say something improper, without paying heed to me, you should honor his words."
Question: What should a woman do if her husband and son quarrel with each other?
Answer: The woman should side with her husband and should give advice to her son by saying, "Dear son, whatever your father says or does is for your welfare only. He himself can neither do ill to you nor can tolerate ill done by others. Keeping this in mind, you should ever remain prompt in serving your father. You should respect your father more than me because he is our master. I shall not get angry if you don't respect me properly but you should not displease your father. I also want to please him and it is also your duty to please him."
Question: What is the duty of the man if his wife and son quarrel with each other?
Answer: The father should advise his son by saying, "Son, it is your special duty to please your mother. Of all the relations, mother holds the highest rank. Being henpecked you should not hurt the feelings of your mother.
He should say to his wife. "You suffered a lot during pregnancy, while giving birth to him and feeding him. You never became angry while he passed urine and stool on your lap but you washed your dirty clothes happily and enthusiastically. Now if he speaks harsh words, you should forgive him by regarding him as your own because you are his mother. A son can be bad or unworthy but a mother can not be unworthy."
Question: How to maintain love, happiness and quietude in the family?
Answer: There are obstacles and calamities in the family when a man forgets his aims. If he keeps his aim clean that he has to progress spiritually whatsoever may happen, he does not care for prosperity or adversity, and he does not find it difficult to renounce his selfishness and pride. Renunciation of selfishness and pride is no obstacle to his dealings. There are impediments in his dealings only when he feels proud, wishes his desire to be fulfilled and has some selfish motive.
When he thinks how to do good to other members, how to lead them to benediction, how to honor and comfort them and translates his thoughts into practice, all the members of the family become happy. If sometimes a member even becomes displeased, his displeasure will not persist, because after a proper thought he will realize that whatever has been done is for his welfare only. As a boy having an inclination to games and sports etc., dislikes studies but studies bear a good fruit; similarly if a person by mistake feels otherwise, he may not understand it at that time, but he will certainly understand it in due course. If he does not understand it even then, we shall feel satisfied that our intention and conduct are good and we think of his welfare. Moreover we shall have an inner strength that our point is true and solid.
If the members of the family live lovingly with one another, the atmosphere will be full of peace and happiness and love evolves by the renunciation of selfishness and pride. When selfishness and pride are renounced, love evolves automatically. If a person motivated by his selfish motive, ill treats us, we may think that we should pay him in same coin. What can we do if he is not pleased in spite of our good behaviour? Covetousness for happiness in its subtle form is the reason for such thought, because we gain happiness by providing happiness to others. Therefore as soon as we come to know of this covetousness for happiness, we should renounce it because we have only to perform our duty by respecting and loving others. By doing so our feelings and conduct will certainly leave a good impression on him. But even if he is not influenced by our good conduct because of his hard-heartedness, we shall feel satisfied for our good conduct. By this satisfaction our love will be enhanced and peace and happiness will prevail.