Household Duties
Question: Why should one get married? Is it a necessity?
Answer: In our society there are two types of celibates-'Naisthika' (life long celibates) and 'Upakurvāņa (celibates after leading a household life). 'Naisthika' celibates are those who lead a pure unmarried life throughout their life; while 'Upakurvāņa celibates are those who after reflection are unable to renounce the desire for pleasure, so they lead a married life in order to root out this desire. It means that those who can't renounce the desire for pleasure, get married in order to experience that the desire for pleasure can't be rooted out through enjoyment. After the household social order, the other two social orders namely the retired one and the renounced one have been ordained in our society. It is not human to enjoy pleasures by leading a household life throughout.
He who has a desire to enjoy mundane pleasures or he who wants the family succession to continue and has no brother, should get married in order to wipe out the desire for pleasure or to continue the family succession. If he has none of the above mentioned two desires, he need not get married. In the scriptures the path of renunciation has been declared to be the supreme.
Question: How to follow the path of renunciation when it is forbidden in the Kali age?
Answer: It is forbidden in the Kali age because in this age it is very difficult to follow this path properly. Therefore just like retired government servants, he should retire from the domestic duties and having handed over the family duties and responsibilities to his sons and grand sons, sho should devote himself to devotion to God. If his sons want, he should have affinity for his family in order to receive food and clothes for the mere maintenance. If the sons don't want it, he should renounce the affinity even for the mere maintenance. He should not worry for the maintenance of his body because Saint Tulasīdāsa declares-Fate is decided first and then the body is bestowed. So why should a person worry? He should recite Lord Rama's name with devotion.
Question: What is the special duty of a householder?
Answer: The special duty of a householder is to serve the persons of the four social orders-celibacy, household, retired and renounced, because the householder is their mother-father, sustainer, preserver viz.; all the persons of the four social orders are born of householders and are sustained and preserved by them. It is therefore the special duty of householders to sustain and support the persons of the four social orders.
Hospitality, providing facilities to cattle such as cows, buffaloes, sheep and goats etc., regarding rats etc., which live in the house as the members of the family and to sustain and support them all these are the special duties of a householder. Similarly rendering service to gods and sages, offering oblation of cooked rice balls and water to manes and rendering special service to God (chanting His name and His remembrance) are also special duties of householders.
Question: How to lead a household life?
Answer: This human body as well as this household order is the school to attain salvation. 'This human body does not aim at enjoying pleasures' (Manasa, Uttara. 44/1). Even the attainment of the world of Brahmā by performing religious sacrifice etc., is not at all praiseworthy, because he has a return from there also. Lord Krsna declares, "All worlds including that of Brahmā are subject to return" (Gītā 8/16). Therefore a householder should think of the welfare of all beings and should renounce his own comforts in order to provide comforts to others according to his own power (resources) with his body, mind, intellect and rights etc. This is humanitarian approach.
Question: How to get rid of the violence which household affairs involve?
Answer: Violence of five types is committed by a householder (1) In the kitchen in fire, tiny creatures such as ants etc., and also those living in the fire-wood are killed. (2) Tiny creatures are also killed when the pitcher of water is removed from one place to another, (3) while the house is swept, (4) while the grinding wheel (mill) is used and (5) while rice is husked in the mortar. In order to get rid of this violence a householder should make offerings to all deities (by presenting oblations to fire before meals) and perform five great Yajñas daily (offering of a portion of daily meal to all creatures). He who takes refuge only in God commits no violence, he is freed from all sins.
Question: Why shall we commit violence when we neither husk rice in the mortar nor do we use the grinding wheel (mill) for grinding corn into flour?
Answer: You use the corn which is ground into flour and the rice which is husked. Both these processes involve violence; so you will incur violence.
Question: Should a farmer not farm when farming involves violence of innumerable creatures?
Answer: He must farm but he should be careful not to commit violence. A farmer while farming incurs less sin as it is his duty. So he should not renounce his duty being afraid of the sin. But he should be careful not to commit violence as far as possible.
Question: Is it justified on the part of farmers to use insecticides in order to protect the crop?
Answer: Farmers should not use insecticides. In the past when farmers did not commit such violence, grain was cheap. But today when they commit violence, it is dear. Outwardly it appears that there is more production of grain by killing insects but it will not bear good fruit.
Question: In the scriptures there are five debts which are to be paid to manes, gods, sages, creatures and human beings. Out of them what is the debt which is to be paid to manes and how to pay it?
Answer: The obsequies performed at the death of parents, grand-parents, great-grand-parents, maternal- grand-parents and maternal-great-grand-parents are known as 'Pretakārya' and offerings of oblation of cooked rice ball and water to manes are known as 'Pitrkārya'. After death a being may go to any species of gods, human beings, birds, beasts, ghosts, evil spirits, trees and creepers etc., he is called a 'Pitara' (manes).
The body is constituted of the ovum and sperm of parents. It is nourished by the mother's milk and the foodstuff earned by the father. The son receives education and talent from parents. The parents get him married. Thus a son is indebted to his parents, the parents are indebted to grand-parents, and the grand- parents are indebted to the great-grand-parents. Thus in order to be free from this ancestral debt and to lead the manes to salvation a son should offer oblation of cooked rice balls and water etc., to them.
If a son offers oblation of cooked rice balls and water to his manes but he does not produce any offspring for offering cooked rice balls and water to the manes, he is not freed from debt which he owes to them viz., he remains indebted to them. When an offspring is born, he does not remain indebted to them any more, the debt is transferred to the offspring. Manes want the offerings of cooked rice ball and water. Therefore they are happy if they receive them, but sad without them. They are also sad if no offspring is born to the son because they think that no one will offer the oblation of cooked rice balls and water to them.
Question: Do manes receive the oblation offered to them?
Answer: Yes, manes receive the oblation offered to them in the form of food and drink in whatsoever life (species) they are. If they are in animal species, the oblation offered to them is received by them in the form of grass. But if they are in divine form of life, they receive it in the form of nectar. It means that they receive it as sustenance. As money sent by us in rupees to America by moneyorder is received in the form of dollars there, so is the oblation offered to manes in the form of cooked rice ball and water and charity given for them, is received by them in the form of food and drink according to their species.
Today the necessities of life such as food and clothes etc., that we honourably receive may be either the fruit of our virtuous actions of the past or of the oblation offered by our sons and grand sons etc., of the previous life. But it is certainly decided by the fate.
As a person deposits an amount of a hundred thousand rupees in a bank in three accounts-his own, his wife's and his son's, he can withdraw the money only from his own account. As for as the money deposited in the accounts of his wife and son is concerned, only they can withdraw it. Similarly the oblation offered to manes is received by them only. But if we offer oblation in the form of cooked rice ball and water in our name, we shall receive it after death. In Gaya the cooked rice balls and water offered in the name of beasts and birds is received by them. A person loved his cow very much. When the cow died, he had a dream and he saw that the cow was in a very miserable and sad condition. He went to Gaya and offered oblation of cooked rice ball and water for her. She again appeared to him when he had a dream and she was very happy.
We have not so much of claim to the money earned by our father, grand-father and great-grand- father as we have on our own earned money. According to the family tradition our sons and grand-sons have a claim to the money of our father and grand-father etc. Similarly the manes receive the water and oblation offered to them by sons and grand- sons according to the family tradition. So it is the responsibility of sons and grand-sons to offer oblation and water to father and grand-father etc.
It is not a rule that all people after death must go to the world of manes because they meet with destiny according to their actions.
Question: What happens to the water and oblation offered by the son whose parents have attained salvation and gone to the abode of God?
Answer: If the son's parents have attained salvation and gone to the abode of God but the son does not know it, the oblation and water offered and the charity given in their name, is deposited in the account of the son and he receives it after death, in the same way as the money sent by the sender, comes back to him if the addressee is not available.
Question: Can a person be free from the debt of manes without giving birth to offspring?
Answer: Yes, he can be free. He who totally surrenders himself to God becomes free from all debts-
devarsibhūtāptanrnām na pitrīnām
kinkaro nāyamını ca rājan
sarvātmanā yah saranam saranyam
gato mukundam parihrtya kartam
(Śrīmadbhā. 11/5/41)
"O King, he who surrenders himself to God, does not remain indebted and a servant (slave) to anyone- gods, sages, creatures, family and manes."
Question: How are we indebted to gods and how to rid ourselves of this debt?
Answer: We receive rain, air, sunshine, sunlight and moonlight by which we maintain our body; and the earth holds all of us thus we are indebted to gods. The offerings of oblation to the fire god and performance of religious sacrifice nourish gods and we become free from our debts.
Question: How are we indebted to sages and how to rid ourselves of this debt?
Answer: We are indebted to sages and saints for the books and 'Smrtis' (18 books of traditional Hindu law) composed by them. Those books impart teaching and preaching to us and make us realize what ought to be done and what ought not to be done. We become free from this debt by studying and teaching these books, by morning-evening prayers and by reciting 'Gayatri Mantra' (a Vedic metre which is to be recited daily by the twice-born).
Question: How are we indebted to creatures (Bhūtarna) and how to rid ourselves of this debt?
Answer: All creatures such as cows-buffaloes, sheep-goats, camels-horses etc., nourish and sustain our life. Trees, plants and creepers provide us fruits, flowers, leaves and wood etc. So we are indebted to them. We are free from this debt by feeding animals and birds and by providing water to them, and by manuring and watering trees and creepers etc.
Question: How are we indebted to human beings and how to rid ourselves of this debt?
Answer: We don't sustain our life without the help of other human beings. We walk along the paths (roads) made by others. We use the water of the wells constructed by others. We make use of the trees planted by others and we eat the food produced by others. Therefore we can rid ourselves of this debt by providing wells, water-huts, trees, roads, hospices and free food centres.
A householder has to pay all these five kinds of debt. He who totally surrenders himself to God, does not remain indebted to manes and gods etc., he rids himself of all debts.
Question: Should a couple who have no issue adopt a kith and kin or an orphan boy or girl?
Answer: In the world of today it is advisable for a couple not to adopt any child. The reason is that when even one's own son does not serve and obey his parents, how will the adopted son serve and obey them? Though there is an ordinance of the scriptures for a couple to adopt a child so that he may offer water and oblation to them; yet what is the use of adopting him when he will not offer water and oblation to the manes? If we needed a son, God would give us one. We need no son, so God has not given us one. Why should we get into trouble by adopting a child? Generally it is noticed that adopted sons trouble parents and don't serve them. Therefore such couples should educate and serve orphan boys and should make arrangement for their maintenance.
Question: If a couple have no son, who will serve them in their old age?
Answer: Do all sons serve their parents? How will the sons, who want to lay claim to their parents' property and regard the offering of obsequial oblation as a futile activity, serve the parents? They prove troublesome to their parents. A man receives service and comforts according to his fate whether he has sons or not. We have clearly noticed that people serve the dispassionate saints more than sons serve their parents. It means that sons don't necessarily serve parents.
Question: If we have no son, who will offer us oblation and water; and how shall we meet with a good destiny without the offering of water and oblation?
Answer: Those who receive the offering of water and oblation have to follow the cycle of birth and death. As a traveler breaks his journey on account of hunger and thirst and again starts his journey having eaten food and drunk water; so do the departed souls stop at a place without the offering of oblation and water. But when oblation and water are offered to them, they start from that place and their cycle of birth and death begins but they don't attain salvation.
In fact salvation does not in the least depend on offspring. If salvation depends on offspring, it means that salvation is dependent. Then how is the human life independent? When even attachment to the body is an impediment to salvation, how will the hope of receiving oblation and water from sons after death lead a man to salvation? It will lead him only to bondage. Therefore the person who wants to attain salvation should renounce the three desires of sons, of honour and of wealth because all these three are the stumbling blocks to God-realization.
He who has a desire to receive the offering of water and oblation, wants to follow the cycle of birth and death because he is born somewhere, then and then only he will have a desire to receive the offering of oblation and water. If he is not born, why should he expect the offering of oblation and water?
It is totally wrong that a man does not attain salvation without a son. If the offspring led a man to salvation, the eleven young ones of a pig and a hundred and eight young ones of a snake would lead the pig and the snake to salvation. Similarly the larger number of children should lead their parents to salvation. But it does not happen.
A man should be engaged in God's adoration by depending on Him whether he has offspring or not. If a person can't renounce the desire of having offspring, he (she) should regard Rāma or Krsna as his son and should love Him as his or her own son. He (Lord Rama or Krsna) will serve him so sincerely that a real son can't serve him. He will make his father's life successful here as well as hereafter.
Question: How can a householder be free from worries because he has to nourish and marry his children and has to perform such other domestic liabilities?
Answer: Every being is born according to his fate. The fate involves three factors-birth, age and pleasures or pain as the fruit of the past actions. Out of these three a being has already taken birth. As for as age is concerned, he will live as long as is destined and he will face pleasure and pain in the form of desirable and undesirable circumstances. In fact circumstances don't make a man happy or sad but he becomes happy or sad in the favourable or unfavourable circumstances out of ignorance.*
If a girl is of marriageable age, her parents should not be worried because everything has been decided by her own fate. So she will have favourable or unfavourable circumstances according to her fate. But parents should think that she should be married to a deserving youngman of a good family so that she may lead a happy life. But it is beyond their power to make her happy or to send her to a good family. Therefore parents should perform their duty without being worried. Worry makes the innersense (heart) impure and there is no progress. They should perform their duty after giving a serious thought to it because the thought develops intellect. So every person should give a serious thought to how to perform an activity but he should not worry about it. If a problem is thought over being free from worry, a suitable solution is certainly found out.
*Sati mūle tadvipāko jātyāyurbhogāh' (Yogadarśana 2/13)
Question: What should the parents do if their sons don't serve them in their old age?
Answer: In such cases parents should have no affinity for sons. They should hold that they are not their sons. They feel sad only because they expect to receive facilities and comforts from the members of their family. If they expect nothing from them, they will become happy. So they should renounce this sense of expectation and should think that by God's grace they have received this golden opportunity of austerity in the form of unfavourable circumstances; and if the members of their family served them, they would get entangled in parental affection and infatuation. Thus God by His grace did not let them get entangled in it.
Infatuation or attachment is an obstacle to spiritual progress. We should feel thankful to them for their great kindness that they having removed obstacles are leading us to salvation.
If a man receives service from the members of his family throughout his life, he has a keener desire to receive service from them in his old age also because of his physical incapability. Therefore he should be cautious by thinking that the human life has not been bestowed upon him for receiving service but it aims at rendering service to everyone such as gods, sages and saints, manes, beasts and birds and God etc. So we should not expect to receive any comfort or convenience from anyone. If we don't receive any comfort or convenience from anyone from the very beginning, we shall not feel sad if no one provides us with comfort or convenience and serves us in our old age. If we have no desire for our service then the feeling of rendering service to us will rise in others.
There is a need of renunciation in every sphere. Peace immediately follows renunciation. It is a great austerity to remain pleased in unfavourable circumstances. Austerity rather than comfort or convenience purifies the heart. The desire for comfort or convenience makes the heart impure. Therefore a man instead of having a desire to receive comfort, should provide comfort to others with his mind, speech and body.
Question: What should the members of a family do in order to provide peace to the departed soul and to do away with their bereavement?
Answer: (1) They should offer 'Nārāyanabali' and obsequious oblation for departed soul.
(2) Whenever there is the memory of the dead person, the members of the family should behold him at the feet of God.
(3) In his name there should be recitation of the Gītā, the recitation of the Bhagavata (in a week), the recitation of the Rāmacaritamānasa (in nine days), chant of the divine name and loud chanting etc.
(4) Sweetmeat should be distributed among the poor children in the name of the dead person. Children are pleased with sweetmeat. Their pleasure provides peace to the departed soul as well as to the members of the family.
Bereavement should not be an obstacle attending divine discourses, programmes of God's stories, chanting the divine name, going to temples and going for pilgrimage; they should certainly perform those divine ceremonies. Out of them there is a great glory of the divine discourses as they remove all kinds of sadness.