Dealings (Behaviour)

Question: What type of dealings should a person have with the elderly members of the family?

Answer: It is the duty of the younger generation to provide comfort, to serve, to honor, to obey the elderly people and to remain under their control. But it is not the duty of the elderly people that they should regard themselves as elderly, adorable and honorable. The reason is that if they themselves think so, others may not respect them and finally they may be dishonored. So the elderly people should only think of nourishing all providing comforts to the younger ones at the cost of their own comfort. If both the elderly and the young people have such feelings, the whole family and society can become happy.

Question: What type of dealings should father- in-law, mother-in-law and parents have with widows?

Answer: If a daughter-in-law or a daughter becomes a widow, her father-in-law, mother-in-law and parents should respect her from their heart and should also protect and control her lest she should be spoiled. It means that for her welfare they should have such dealings that she should neither be sad nor be spoiled (corrupt).

In such cases the mother-in-law and mother should lead a simple life. They should wear simple clothes and ornaments and eat food for the bare maintenance rather than to enjoy them. By doing so they will leave a good impression on the daughter-in-law and daughter and their life will improve. But if the mother-in-law and mother enjoy them, it will leave a bad impression on the daughter-in-law and daughter. Similarly if the mother-in-law and the mother lead a controlled life, it will leave a good impression on the daughter-in-law and daughter and their life will improve. So they should lead a simple and controlled life. In the world there is glory of the man of self-control and renunciation rather than a voluptuary and a hoarder.

Question: What type of dealings should brothers and their wives have with a widow?

Answer: They should respect her from their heart, they should not slight her. They should safeguard her character and feelings. They should control and love her keeping in view her welfare.

Question: Should parents eat the food of the house of their married daughter?

Answer: When parents offer their daughter as charity to their son-in-law, she becomes the mistress of that house. So parents are not authorized to eat the food of her house. We have heard an anecdote. A cobbler of Barasānā went to Nandagaon in the morning for some business. He had to stay there upto noon. He was hungry and thirsty but how could he even drink water of the village of the daughter?* He did not drink water there thinking that Vrsabhānujī's daughter (Rādhājī) was married to a member of that village. So without drinking water he started for Barasānā. While going back, being thirsty he fell down on the way. At that time Rādhājī, disguised as the daughter of that cobbler, came to him and said "Father, I have brought water for you, drink it". The cobbler said, "I can't drink the water of this place because this place is within the boundary of Nandagaon." Rādhājī said, "I have brought this water from Barasānā". He drank the water and asked her to go. Rādhājī went away. Afterwards when he reached home, he lovingly told his daughter that she had saved his life by offering water to him otherwise he might have died. The daughter said that she had not gone there with water. Then the cobbler came to know that it was Rādhājī disguised as his daughter who had brought water for him. It means that in the past people did not even drink water and eat food in the village of their daughter.

As long as a daughter does not give birth to a child, food and water of her house should not be accepted by parents. The reason is that the son-in-law accepts the daughter of other persons in order to be free from his debt to his ancestors. When an issue is born, he becomes free from that debt. Therefore parents lay claim again to their daughter and thus the daughter's son offers obsequious oblation and water etc., to his maternal grand-father and mother and they accept it in the next world. If the child born to the daughter instead of being male is female, the food and water of her house can also be accepted by her parents because by the birth of an issue, the gift offered in the form of the daughter proves successful.

* The people of Barasānā consider Rādhājī their daughter.

Question: What type of dealings should parents and offspring have for each other?

Answer: Parents should think it their duty to improve the life of their sons and daughters here as well as hereafter without thinking of their own convenience and comfort. So they should rule over them, impart good training to them and even scold them according to the need of the hour for their welfare.

The offspring should think that they have received the body from their parents by which they can realize God and attain the supreme bliss. So they should never trouble their parents, they should not defame them. But they should perform such actions by which their parents may gain honour in society. They should also have the feeling that the fruit of the virtuous actions such as pilgrimage and feast etc., should go to their parents. Thus by thinking of the welfare of each other the sentiment of love among them will develop, the family will be happy at that time and in future it will lead them to salvation.

Question: What type of dealings should the husband and the wife have with each other?

Answer: The husband should think that his wife has renounced her parents and brothers etc., for him, so she should not suffer. He should provide her with all her necessities such as food, clothes and house etc.. and give more comfort to her. Moreover he should pay attention that she maintains chastity without becoming unrestrained which will lead her to salvation.

The wife should think that she has renounced her lineage and family for her husband. So she should in no way become the cause of her husband's trouble, insult, calumny and dishonour etc. It will be very improper on her part if her husband is reproached in any way because of her. Her husband should not suffer in the least though she herself may suffer a lot. Thus she should pay attention to the comfort of her husband even at the cost of her own comfort and should think how to reform her husband's life here and hereafter.

Question: What type of dealings should the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have with each other?

Answer: The mother-in-law should think that her daughter-in-law having left her parents has come to her house and she is a part and parcel of her son. So she should not have such dealings with her that her daughter-in-law may think of her mother.

The daughter-in-law should think that her mother- in-law is the mother of her husband who is all-in-all for her. She should respect and honor her mother- in-law and provide comfort to her even at the cost of her own. She should think that her mother-in-law's harsh behaviour towards her is only for her welfare. She should feel that no one can serve her so much during her illness as her mother-in-law does. No one can be a better well-wisher for her than her mother-in-law. She has been lovingly called 'Bahūrānī (daughter-in-law) by her mother-in-law and she has been made her successor by her. She can't repay her for her goodness even in several births. So she should not in the least trouble her mother-in-law in any way. Similarly she should respect her husband's brothers and their wives more than her own brothers and sisters. She should regard her husband's elder brother and his wife as her father and mother and younger brother and his wife as her son and daughter and should think of providing comfort to them. So every activity from the meanest to the greatest should be performed for their comfort and welfare thinking that she has come to their house only to serve them. She should not think of their harsh behaviour towards her thinking that their harsh behaviour is only for her welfare.

Question: What type of dealings should the elder brother's wife and the younger brother have with each other?

Answer: The elder brother's wife and the younger brother should have their dealings with each other like Sītā and Bharata. Sītā regarded Bharata as her son. Kaikeyī sent Lord Rama into exile without any reason but Sītā never blamed Bharata and never slighted him. But when Bharata in Citrakūța put the dust touched by her feet on his head, she blessed him. The elder brother's wife like a mother should ever think of the welfare of the younger brother of her husband even though he slights her while the younger brother of her husband should honour her as if she were his mother. Though Sītā was not much older than Bharata and Lakşmana etc., yet they respected her like their own mother.

Question: What type of dealings should a girl's husband and her brother have with each other?

Answer: The girl's husband should think that as he loves his wife, her brother also deserves his love and gifts. Moreover he receives some gift or the other from her parent's house. So from the worldly point of view he is at an advantage but only renunciation plays an important part in the spiritual sphere.

The girl's brother should think that his sister's husband is honorable for him as he is honorable for his sister. As there is glory of offering a gift to one's sister or daughter, so is there glory of offering a gift to the sister's husband. He deserves love and gifts. So he should be offered gifts by respecting him from the heart.

Question: What type of dealings should the brother and the sister have with each other?

Answer: In dealings it is the brother rather than the sister who generally commits an error. So the brother should think that his sister is an idol of mercy. So she should be respected and loved. It is as virtuous to offer a gift to a sister or a daughter as it is to feed a Brahmana (a member of the priest class).

The Government has made a law to give a share of the father's property to the daughter. So there can be a strife between the brother and the sister and estrangement can be a common occurrence between the two over the share of the property. When there are quarrels among brothers over the share of parental property, there is nothing uncommon if there is a quarrel between the brother and the sister over it. So according to our old tradition sisters should not share the property of their fathers. This tradition is righteous and pure. Things such as wealth etc., are not important as at present they prove to be the root of wrangles and finally lead to hells. They are useful in dealings only. But dealings will be good only if importance is attached to love rather than to wealth. It is not human to quarrel over wealth. This sort of dealing is like dogs who play with each other with great love so long as they don't get a piece of bread. But they start quarrelling as soon as they get a piece of bread. If men also quarrel in the same way, how is it human?

A man's life becomes successful here as well as hereafter if he attaches importance to righteousness, duty, renunciation and the orders of God and sages. But if he attaches importance to honour, praise and selfishness etc., his life here as well as hereafter is spoiled.

Question: How should a householder behave towards an Atithi' (guest)?

Answer: An 'Atithi' (guest) is he whose date and time of arrival is not certain. There is predominance of hospitality only in the household social order; the second position goes to the retired order while it does not occupy any predominant place in the social orders of celibacy and renunciation.

When a celibate becomes a graduate viz., when he having followed the rules of celibacy makes preparation to enter the household life, in the convocation address he is given the preaching- 'Mātr devo bhava! Pitr devo bhava! Acārya devo bhava! Atithi devo bhava!' (Taittirīyopaniṣad, Śiksā. 11/2) viz., serve the mother, the father, the teacher and the guest regarding them as God. This is a speical rule for those who enter the household life. Therefore a householder should entertain the guest to his level best.

Hospitality includes providing the guest with a seat, food and water etc. But the important factor is to offer food to him. When the food is ready first the householder should perform the ceremony of 'Balivaiśvadeva' which means that he should offer food to all creatures (the entire creation). Then he should offer the food to God. After that he should offer food to the guest and mendicant. A mendicant can be of six kinds-

brahmacārī yatiścaiva vidyārthī gurupoşakah

adhvagah kşīņavrttiśca şadete bhiksukāh smrtāh

A celibate, a sage (renouncer), a student, he who serves the teacher, a traveler and he who has lost his livelihood (he whose house has caught fire, the thieves and robbers have robbed him and he has no means of earning his livelihood etc.) these six are called mendicants, therefore they should be offered food.

Question: What should a householder do if a guest or a mendicant happens to come before the performance of 'Balivaiśvadeva' (offering food to all creatures)?

Answer: If time permits, he should perform 'Balivaiśvadeva' otherwise he should offer food to the mendicant. A celibate and a renouncer are the owners of the cooked food. He who eats food without offering it to them incurs sins whose penitence is the 'Candrayana fast'.** If a guest goes empty handed from a householder's house, he takes away the virtues of the householder and offers his sins to him in return. Therefore food must be offered to the guest.

A householder inwardly should regard the guest as an embodiment of God and should respect him and offer him food and water. But outwardly he should remain aware and not let out the secret of home and not tell him the domestic ins and outs etc. It means that in spite of respecting him inwardly he should not trust him because in these days any person may come disguised as a guest. 

** The method of observing the Candrayana fast' is as follows:-on the first day of the lunar fortnight the householder should eat a morsel, on the second day two morsels and thus by increasing one morsel everyday on the last day of the lunar fortnight he should eat fifteen morsels of food. Similarly in the dark fortnight he should decrease one morsel everyday viz., he should eat fourteen morsels on the first day, thirteen on the second day and so on. It means that the number of morsels increases with the increase in the phase (brightness) of the moon and decreases with the decrease in the phase of the moon in this fast. Nothing else should be taken besides the morsels.

Question: It is the duty of a householder to offer food to an ascetic (renouncer) first of all, while it is the duty of an ascetic to go for alms (food) after the householder has taken it. How do the two opinions coincide?

Answer: A householder having cooked the food first of all should perform the ceremony of 'Balivaiśvadeva' viz., offer food to the entire creation and then offer food according to his resources to the guest. If no guest turns up, he should wait for the guest outside the gate for as much time as is spent in milking a cow. If even then no guest comes, his share should be put aside and then he should eat food.

An ascetic hoards nothing. So when he feels hungry, he should go for alms to the house of a householder at the time when the householder has taken his meal and cleaned the utensils of his food. It means that he should not be a burden on the householder and the householder's food should not remain insufficient for him. If there are only one or two persons in the family and the food has been cooked for them, the food may fall short for them if a mendicant comes for alms. But it will make little difference if there are several members in the family. But if several mendicants turn up at the same time, there will be burden on that family also. So an ascetic should go for alms to the house of a householder when all the members have eaten the food and should accept the remaining food. Moreover an ascetic should stay outside the house of a householder only for as much time as is taken while milking a cow. If a householder has no intention of offering food to him, he should depart from there without being angry. Similarly the householder should also not feel angry.

Question: What type of dealings should a householder have with his neighbour?

Answer: A householder should regard the neighbour as a member of his family. Only the mean hearted (minded) persons make the distinction between their own and the others, while the broad minded persons regard all the beings of the earth as their family.*** All beings are our brothers because of our relation with God. So we should have our dealings with our neighbour as we have with the members of our family. If there is any sweetmeat or fruit with us, and there are our own children as well as the children of our neighbour while distributing the sweetmeat etc., we should first give the sweetmeat of the superior quality to the neighbour's children a little more than we give to our own children. After we should give it a little more to the children of our sister or daughter. Then we should give it to the children of our brother and family etc. Thus people may have a doubt that their children will be at a loss by receiving less and inferior quality of sweetmeat etc. But it is not a fact. If we behave towards the children of our neighbour, sister and daughter etc., in a good manner by giving them extra and better share they will pay our children back in our own coin. Thus the balance will remain the same but this sort of behaviour will enhance their love for one another. Love is more precious than things or objects.

If the neighbour's cow or buffalo enters your house and starts eating something, you should neither quarrel with the neighbour nor give a thrashing to the animal but should say to the neighbour, "Brother, your cow or buffalo has entered our house. Please see that it does not come again". If we behave politely, our neighbour will also pay us in the same coin. Even if the neighbour behaves cruelly, we should not be angry with him but we should be specially watchful that our cow or buffalo does not cause any loss to the neighbour.

*** ayam nijah paro vetti gananā laghucetasām udāracaritānām tu vasudhaiva kutumbakam (Pañcatantra, Aparīkşita. 37)

If there is a function or marriage ceremony etc., in our house and delicious sweet-dishes are prepared, we should also offer them to the children of the neighbours because being neighbours they are the members of our family. If you want to behave more affectionately towards them, you should offer gifts to their sisters and daughters when they get married in the same way as you offer to your own sisters and daughters. Moreover you should behave towards their son-in-law as you behave towards your own son-in-law.

Question: What type of dealings should a master have with his servant?

Answer: The master should behave with his servant as he behaves with his son. A servant is employed in two ways-

1-On payment of salary and food 2-Only by paying salary. The servant who eats food in the master's house should be served the same food as is served to the master. Generally first rate food is cooked for the lady's son and husband, second rate for other members of the family and third rate for the servant. But it is not justified. The food of the medium quality should be cooked and it should be served to all the members of the family including the servant without any discrimination. If a mendicant comes at that time, he should also be given the same food.

The servant who is paid the salary only can cook the food as he wishes and eat it. But if any special dishes or sweetmeats are prepared on certain occasions, they should also be given to the servant's children. If there is any marriage etc., in the family, the servant should be given clothes etc. Besides proper payment of the salary, from time to time prizes, clothes and sweetmeats etc., should also be offered to him. Prizes etc., leave a better impression than the payment of salary. It makes the donor generous and love is enhanced between the master and the servant. Then the servant protects the members of the master's family from thieves and robbers and works enthusiastically.

Question: What dealings should a person have with rats, lizards, mosquitoes and bugs etc., which live in the house?

Answer: A man should regard these creatures as the members of the family because they live in it by making it their home. So they are entitled to live in it. It means that they should be nourished as far as possible by protecting the members of the family. It is not proper on the part of the people to kill them as some people do. A man is authorized to protect himself but he is not authorized to kill anyone. As a man lives on the earth by building his house, so do creatures such as rats etc., live by making home. So they should not be killed. If there are poisonous creatures such as snake or scorpion etc., in the house, they should be caught tactfully and should be left free at a safe place far from the house.

Mosquitoes and bugs etc., are born because of filth and rubbish. So the house should be kept neat, clean and tidy so that they may not be born. We are not authorized to kill them even if they are born in spite of cleanliness.

Question: Should a dog be kept as a pet?

Answer: A dog should not be kept as a pet. He who keeps it as a pet goes to hells. In the Mahābhārata it is mentioned that when the five Pandavas and Droupadī having renounced the world started towards the north, all of them including Bhīma except Yudhisthira fell down while walking. At last when Yudhisthira also staggered, Mātali being ordered by Indra, the lord of gods, brought the chariot to Yudhisthira and said to him, "Come to heaven with your physical body". Yudhisthira saw that a dog was standing beside him. He said that the dog had taken refuge in him and so it would go to heaven with him. Indra said to Yudhisthira-

swarge loke śvavatām nāsti dhisnya-

miştāpūrtam krodhavaśā haranti

tato vicārya kriyatām dharmarāja

tyaja śvānam nātra nrśamsamasti

(Mahābhārata, Mahāpra. 3/10)

"Dharmaraja (Yudhisthira)! There is no place in the heaven for those who keep the dog as a pet. The demons named Krodhavaśa devour the virtues possessed by a man by performing religious sacrifice and by getting wells and ponds etc., constructed. Therefore act thoughtfully and leave this dog. It involves no cruelty."

Yudhisthira said, "I have not nourished it. It has taken refuge in me. I offer it half of my virtue. So it will accompany me." When Yudhisthira said so, Dharmaraja (the lord of righteousness) revealed himself and said, "I put you to the test. You have gained a victory over me, now move to the heaven."

It means that a householder should not keep a dog as a pet. In the Mahābhārata it is mentioned:-

bhinnabhāndam ca khatvām ca kukkuțam śunakam tathā

apraśastāni sarvāni yaśca vrkso grheruhah

bhinnabhānde kalim prāhuḥ khatvāyām tu dhanakşayah

kukkute śunake caiva havirnāśnanti devatāh

vrkşamūle dhruvam sattvam tasmād vrkşam na ropayet

(Mahābhārata, Anu. 127/15-16)

"It is not a good omen to have broken utensils, broken cot, a cock, a dog, the Peepal tree etc., in the house. It is said that Kali age resides in the broken utensil. A broken cot causes loss to wealth. If cocks and dogs are kept as pets, gods don't accept the oblation offered in that house. If there is a big tree in the compound of the house, in its roots the creatures such as snakes and scorpions etc., certainly live. So trees should not be planted in the compound of the house."

The dog is very impure and unholy. With its way of living with particular reference to eating and drinking, with its touch and with its sitting from one place to another, it causes impurity and unholiness in the way of living, eating and drinking etc., of the householder and the fruit of unholiness is unholiness (hell etc.).

Question: What is the harm if a dog is kept in order to safeguard the field?

Answer: The dog should be kept only to safeguard the field. It should be given the pieces of bread from time to time. But it should be kept apart. Its company, taking it for a walk and its touch against decorous behaviour are forbidden. It means that it is not a guilt to nourish a dog and to protect it because it is an important duty of a householder to nourish every creature. But living chummily with the dog, keeping it in company and being attached to it, lead him to a downfall. The reason is that at the time of death if its thought comes to the mind of the householder, he will have to become a dog.†

† Whatever being a man thinks of at the last moment when he leaves the body, that alone does he attain, O Kaunteya (Arjuna), being ever absorbed in the thought thereof (Gītā 8/6).

Question: If the Peepal tree grows on the roof or the wall of the house, should it be removed from there?

Answer: It should be rooted out and planted infront of the temple or at a proper place in the street and it should be regularly watered. As far as possible the Peepal tree should not be cut down even if the roof or the wall has to be broken. The roof or the wall should be repaired after that. The Peepal, the Pākara, the Gülara (sycamove), the Avala (emblic myrobalan), the Tulasi (basil) etc., are holy trees which should be specially respected as they sanctify human beings.

Question: How should a householder earn money to sustain life?

Answer: A householder should earn money by working hard without snatching at the claim of others. He should offer its tenth or fifteenth or twentieth part for charity. Earning of money involves some flaws. So he should offer some money for charity as penitence.

Question: According to the laws of the Government money cannot be earned honestly. So what should be done?

Answer: The solution is to decrease expenses by leading a simple and pure life, by spending no money on tastes, fashions and decorations. We are not free in earning as much money as we want but we are free in decreasing our expenses.

Question: It is an open fact that money is spent if all taxes are paid and money is saved if taxes are evaded. So is tax evasion not desirable?

Answer: Once it appears that money is saved by evading taxes but actually it will not remain with the cheat.†† The money saved dishonestly will serve no purpose for him. But he will have to suffer punishment for the fraud, falsehood, deception and injustice which he applied in order to save money and he will have to die by renouncing the money earned by injustice. It means that this money earned by injustice will either go to doctors and lawyers, or thieves and robbers will take it away, or it will remain lying in banks but will not be used by him. So why should a person commit sin and do injustice in order to earn such money which will serve no purpose for him?

It is not a fact that income will be less if a person earns by honest means. Whatever money is likely to be gained will be certainly gained whatever the circumstances may be. Several such cases are noticed that the persons who renounced money and didn't accept it, earned money. It means that as a person has to sustain loss, sickness and pain without having a desire for them and without making any effort, so is the money or pleasure gained without having any desire and without making any effort-

sukhamaindriyakam rājan svarge naraka eva ca

dehinām yad yathā duhkham tasmānneccheta tad budhah

(Śrīmadbhā. 11/8/1)

"O king! As beings suffer determined by fate without having desire for it, so are the delights that are contact born, gained in heaven and hell. So a wise man should not hanker after these delights.”

†† anyāyopārjitam dravyam daśavarşāni tişthati prāpte caikādaśe varșe samūlam tadvinaśyati

"The money earned by injustice (dishonesty) stays for ten years and it is destroyed with the principal amount in the eleventh year.”

- Source :  How to Lead a Household Life,  (Published by Gita Press, Gorakhpur)