Advice Pertaining to Women
Question: Can a girl (bride) herself choose her husband?
Answer: In the scriptures there is mention of girls who chose their husbands themselves; but they had to suffer. Sītā, Draupadi and Damayantī etc., are the examples. These days the brides who choose their husbands of their own accord do not remain happy. They suffer and go astray.
The bride who chooses her husband has to shoulder the responsibility herself. But when the marriage of the daughter is arranged by her well- wisher, father, the responsibility is shouldered by him. If the daughter married by her father, commits a minor mistake, it will be excused. But the error of the bride who chooses her husband of her own accord will not be excused. As a son born of parents does not incur so much sin if he does not serve his parents, as the adopted son who does not serve the parents incurs because the former is born of them, he has not established his affinity himself for them while the latter has accepted his affinity for parents himself. Similarly a servant who commits a mistake is not excused because he has accepted the service himself. But the kind master can excuse him though he does not deserve it. In the same way it is the special responsibility of a disciple to obey his preceptor because he himself has accepted the disciple-preceptor relationship. If he does not obey his preceptor, slights him or censures him, he has to suffer for his offence. God can not forgive such a disciple. If God becomes angry with a disciple, his preceptor can forgive him. But if the preceptor gets angry, even God can not forgive him. Therefore the bride who herself chooses her husband has to shoulder special responsibility.
Question: Is it proper on the part of a girl to lead her life in devotion to God instead of getting married?
Answer: It is not proper for a girl to remain unmarried, because it is very difficult for her to sustain her life by remaining independent, without getting married. It is O.K. so long as her parents remain alive. But after their death, generally her brothers (being henpecked) don't respect her; they rather slight her and look down upon her. Her brothers' wives also slight her. Thus the girl feels that she has to depend on others. Therefore it is better to get married.
We have seen such couples who took an oath to lead a pious life for adoration (devotion) to God without having husband-wife relationship and they have implemented it. Though it is difficult in the world of today to find such young men who get married only for adoration to God yet it is not impossible.
There are such rare cases as that of Mīrābāī who devoted herself to adoration since her childhood. But such are the cases of sentiments rather than ordinance. But in this sentiment a girl has to face difficulties. Mīrābāī also faced several difficulties but she overcame all difficulties by having a firm faith in God. Such firm faith is rare indeed. There is no ordinance for such a girl who has a firm faith whether she gets married or not. It means that the person who has a firm faith in God will become noble wheresoever he/she may live.
Question: Is it proper on the part of women to become ascetics?
Answer: A man is authorized to renounce the household life in order to be engaged in adoration (devotion) to God if he becomes dispassionate; but we have not come across such an ordinance for women. So it is not proper for women to lead an ascetic-life. She should perform her duty by living in the house. It is her glory if she leads a household life with renunciation and self-control.
In fact there is glory of renunciation and dispassion rather than of becoming an ascetic. A women who is not a slave to mundane objects from her heart, is an ascetic and a renouncer even while leading a household life.
Question: Which woman is called a 'Pativratā', a 'Sādhvī' and a 'Satī'?
Answer: According to the dictionary the three terms mean that woman who is chaste and is faithful to her husband. But if the three terms are distinguished, a 'Pativrata' is she who is faithful to her husband while he lives alive; a 'Sādhvī' is she who remains chaste after the death of her husband, while a 'Satī' is she who having chastity and firm affinity for her husband, at his death burns herself on his funeral pyre.
Question: Is 'Satī Prathā' (viz., the tradition of the wife being cremated with the dead body of the husband on the funeral pyre) proper or improper?
Answer: A wife's cremation with the dead body of her husband on the funeral pyre is not a tradition. She, in whose mind truth and enthusiasm come, burns even without fire and she does not suffer any pain while she burns. This is not a tradition that she should do so, but this is her truth, righteousness and faith in scriptural decorum.
There is a village named Iknora in district Hardoi. There a girl was staying in the house of her maternal grandfather. Her husband was ill and he died. She received the message of her husband's death. She asked her maternal uncle, "If chaste Sulocanā had not found the head of her husband, what would she have done?" Her maternal uncle replied, "I don't know." She said, "Uncle, I shall cremate my body." Her maternal uncle said, "Daughter, don't do so" She said, "I don't do it but it happens." She burnt a lamp and put her finger on its flame. Her finger began to burn like a candle. She again asked her maternal uncle, "Do you allow me to cremate my body or not? If you don't allow me, your house will be burnt to ashes." The maternal uncle said, "O.K. Do as you wish". She extinguished the fire of the burning finger by rubbing it against the wall and stood under the Peepal tree outside the house. There she requested her maternal uncle to offer her fire-wood. Her maternal uncle refused to give her either fire-wood or fire. The people of that village gathered there. She prayed to Sun-god with folded hands, "O Lord, give me fire". As soon as she prayed, people saw that she was burnt standing there. The leaves of the Peepal tree were also burnt with that fire. When an inquiry was made, the Mohammedans of that village told that they were eye- witnesses. Saint Karapātrījī went there and he himself saw that there were black lines on the wall where she had extinguished the fire of her burning finger by rubbing it against the wall and he also saw the burnt leaves of that Peepal tree.
It means that it is not a tradition. It is her own religious enthusiasm. On this topic Prabhudatta Brahmacārījī has written a book whose title is "Satī Dharma Hindū Dharma Kī Rīdha Hai"* ("Cremation of a Wife with Her Husband's Dead Body is the Backbone of Hindu Religion"), it should be studied.
* The publisher of this book is-Samkīrtana Bhavana, Dharmika Trust, Pratisthānapura (Jhusi) Allahabad.
Question: What type of sentiments and conduct does a chaste wife possess?
Answer: There is predominance of religious feelings in her and so she serves her husband with her body and mind. She identifies her mind with her husband's and has no separate identity. Her mind remain's attracted towards her husband. It is her chastity which protects her.
Generally a chaste wife has her marriage relationship only with the husband of her previous life. Sometimes it happens that because of her good education and good company in her childhood, she inculcates good feelings and being married she becomes chaste.
Question: What are the marks of a chaste wife?
Answer: In the house of a chaste wife members live peacefully and all of them perform their duty righteously. Her offspring are noble and obedient to parents. Her sentiments leave a good impression on her neighbours and persons of that locality.
Generally the ill-feelings of those who behold her, are destroyed. But this rule is not always applicable because by beholding her, one's own internal good feelings are aroused. He who has no good feelings and impressions is not much influenced by her. As a hunter released Damayantī from the mouth of a python but he was enchanted by her beauty, and ill-feeling (of sex) was born in him. She called down a curse upon him and he was reduced to ashes. Yudhisthira was a very good and righteous person but Duryodhana was not impressed by him.
Question: Can chastity be observed in modern times?
Answer: There is no obstacle to the observance of chastity in the modern times. All people are ever free in following the virtuous conduct. The scriptures, righteousness and decorum are obstacles to those actions which are against righteousness.
Question: Is it advisable for a husband to divorce his wife?
Answer: If the wife is good and modest but has a dark complexion and quarrels with her mother-in- law and does not obey her, the mother asks her son to divorce his wife. If the son under these circumstances divorces his wife, he commits a deadly sin and does a great injustice to her. It will lead him to infernal hells. In these days several young men divorce their wives doubting chastity. They should think whether they are perfectly chaste and pure. Thus the wife should never be divorced.
Question: Should the wife who is depraved and adulterous be divorced?
Answer: As far as possible in the modern times such a wife should not be divorced. The husband according to his power should rule her and try to reform her. If he has to punish her, he should not talk to her and should not eat the food cooked by her.
Question: Half of the reward of virtuous actions performed by the husband goes to the wife and half of the sin committed by the wife to the husband. Why?
Answer: The wife has renounced her parents, brothers, brothers' wives, other members including the house and renunciation involves reward (virtue). She having renounced her lineage even, has identified her mind with the mind of her husband. So she deserves half reward of her husband's virtuous actions. If her husband performs morning, evening devotions to God and recites Gāyatrī metre (a Vedic metre repeated by every twice-born at his Sandhyā viz., morning and evening devotions) his half reward for his devotion goes to her. Therefore a husband wears two sacred threads, one for himself and one for his wife.
The education of a girl initially depends on her parents and brothers and after marriage on her husband. If the husband does not impart her good training (teachings) and she commits sin, her husband shares half of her sin.
If the husband imparts good training (teachings) but the wife does not obey her husband, he does not share half of her sin because she has shouldered her responsibility herself. But if she obeys her husband and remains under his control, she shares half of the reward of his virtuous actions. But if she does not obey him, she does not share half of his reward.
Question: What should the woman, who is abducted by heretics, do?
Answer: As far as possible she should try to be free from their clutches and should escape if she gets an opportunity to do so. If she finds herself helpless, she should invoke God for help. God somehow or the other will release her.
Once some heretics were travelling by train by abducting a woman, stuffing her mouth with cloth, tying her hands at her back and covering her by veil. At Lucknow station when the T.T.E. came there to check the tickets she pressed his foot with her foot. He thought why she pressed his foot, there should be some mystery in it. He called the railway police. The police examined the case, released her and the culprits were caught. Similarly a heretic in Noakhali abducted a woman. She invoked God. In the meanwhile another heretic came there and he challenged the abduction by declaring that he would make her his wife. Over this issue both of them had a mortal fight and both of them died. Thus she was protected.
Question: What is the duty of the husband whose wife has been abducted by heretics?
Answer: If the husband has power to release her and she is willing to come back, she should be brought back home. The reason is that she has been forced for the depraved act. So though her relation with her husband alone could not be secured yet she has not lost her righteousness (virtue). No one can deviate a person from the righteous path by force. If anyone puts beef into the mouth of a vegetarian by force, he can't deviate him from the righteous path. Therefore if that abducted woman does not derive sexual pleasure, her chastity has not been lost. If she comes back, she should be sanctified by the recitation of the verses of the Gīta, the Ramayana and the Bhagavata etc., and by bathing her with the holy water of the Ganges. After doing all this when she menstruates, she will be totally sanctified-"rajasā śuddhayate närī"!
Sage Jamadagni's wife named Reņukā brought water in a piece of cloth everyday because of the power of her chastity. One day she saw bright and beautiful hair like gold on the bank of the river. She thought how handsome the man would be whose hair was so beautiful. By thinking so her righteousness (virtue) was lost and she could not as usual bring water in the piece of cloth.
Indra, the lord of gods disguised as Sage Gautama had sexual intercourse with Ahalyā but her righteousness was not lost though she could not remain faithful only to her husband. Though her husband being angry turned her into a stone yet Lord Rama redeemed her because she was firm in righteousness.
Śrī Jaya Dayāla Goyandakā founder of Gita Press, paid special attention to purity and holiness. He also declared that the women who had been raped by heretics had not lost their righteousness. So they should be taken back to the Hindu Dharma if they were willing and they should be sanctified by the recitation of the Gītā, the Rāmāyana etc., and by bathing them in the holy water of the Ganges. He also said that if the follower of any other religion wanted to adopt the Hindu Dharma, he should be allowed to adopt it and according to the custom of Hindu Dharma he could chant God's name, worship Him, meditate on Him and recite the sacred texts etc.
Question: If a wife of her own accord runs with someone else and then returns, what should her husband do?
Answer: He should not consider her his wife and should not behave towards her like a husband. As Saint Kūbājī's wife leaving her husband went to someone else and there she gave birth to a child also. But her new husband died and it became difficult for her to sustain her life. So she again came to Saint Kūbājī. Saint Kūbājī made arrangement of food, water and clothes etc., for her but did not consider her his wife.
Question: What should the wife do if her husband is depraved?
Answer: The wife should not renounce her depraved husband but should persuade him to follow the right path by remaining faithful to him as Mandodarī persuaded her husband, Rāvana without abandoning him.
At the time of marriage both the husband and the wife are bound by words. So the wife has a right to advise her husband and tell him what she feels proper. Gändhārī was so much faithful to her husband that she covered her eyes with a piece of cloth when she heard that her would-be-husband was blind. She did not want to derive any pleasure with her eyes which her husband was deprived of. But when there was a need, she also persuaded her husband not to act according to Duryodhana's desire otherwise the family would be destroyed. She gave such advice several times but her husband, Dhrtarāstra never followed her advice. The result was that the family was destroyed. It means that a wife has a right to give good advice to her husband.
It is mentioned in the scriptures that the chaste wife who serves her husband with her body and mind and performs her duty, after her death goes to the world of her husband (i.e., to her husband). If the husband is immoral, he goes to hell, so according to the scriptures the chaste wife should go to hell. But the chaste wife can't go to hell because she has acted according to the ordinance of the Scriptures, God and Saints and has been faithful to her husband. Therefore, by her power of chastity she will lead her husband to salvation viz., to the world of God. It means that her husband will go to the same world to which she will go. Thus the person who performs his duty leads others to salvation.
Question: What should the wife do if her husband persuades her for adultery?
Answer: A husband is not authorized to do so because his wife's father has offered her as charity to her husband only. He who is given food or clothes as charity can give them to others. But he who has accepted the wife as charity can't give her to anyone else. If he does so, he incurs a deadly sin. In such circumstances she should not obey her husband at all. She should frankly say to her husband that he has no right to offer her to anyone else because her father has offered her only to him. In this case if she disobeys her husband, she incurs no sin. The reason is that it is an injustice on the part of a husband to give such an order to his wife. Such sort of obedience encourages injustice which is not justified for anyone. Secondly if she obeys her husband in such an unrighteous act, it will lead her husband to hells. Therefore the wife should not carry out such an order of her husband which may lead the husband to hells.
If the husband himself has sexual intercourse with his wife against the scriptural ordinance, he does injustice and commits a sin. 'The fulfilment of the desire which is in accordance with righteousness is justified' (Gītā 7/11); therefore it involves no flaw, no sin. But it is injustice to use her arbitrarily against righteousness. A man should act according to the ordinance of the scriptures (Gītā 16/24).
Question: What should the wife do if her husband is a drunkard and a non-vegetarian?
Answer: The wife should persuade her husband that he should not perform such prohibited actions. If her husband does not follow her advice; she is helpless. But it is her right and duty to check him from forbidden conduct. Moreover she should take only pure eatables.
Question: What should the wife do if her husband beats her and troubles her?
Answer: The wife should think that she is paying her debt of her previous life and thus her sins are being destroyed and she is becoming pure. When her parents come to know this, they can take her to their own house because they have not given their daughter to face this sort of bad behaviour.
Question: What should she do if her parents don't take her to their own house?
Answer: Under such circumstances what can the helpless wife do? She should reap the fruit of her past actions. She should patiently bear the beatings of her husband. By bearing them she will be free from her sins and it is possible that her husband may start loving her. If she is unable to bear the beatings of her husband, she should live separate from her husband and lead a fearless life by earning her own livelihood and worshipping God.
A husband should never beat his wife. Śikhandī was born only in order to kill Bhīşma. But when he came infront of Bhīşma, Bhīşma stopped shooting arrows. The reason was that Sikhandī in the previous birth was a woman and again he was born a female but afterwards he became a male. Therefore Bhīşma considered him a woman and did not attack him.
Adversity is fruit of some sin. So in adversity a person by adoring God enthusiastically is doubly benefited. First the sins are destroyed and secondly by invoking God, the person develops faith in Him. So women should not lose courage in the face of adversity.
In the face of adversity a person should not even think of committing suicide because a person incurs a deadly sin by committing suicide. Suicide involves as much sin as murder involves. A person thinks that by committing suicide he will be free from sorrows and be happy. But it is a blunder on his part because instead of being free from the sins of the past he has added one more sin. Those, who tried to commit suicide but were saved, have said that a person has to bear a lot of pain while committing suicide and he repents that it would have been better if he had not tried to commit such a crime. Such persons who commit suicide generally become ghosts and evil spirits and remain hungry and thirsty and have to suffer a lot. It means that such persons meet with a very evil destiny.
Question: If the husband divorces his wife, what should she do?
Answer: She should live with her parents. If it is not possible she should take a house on rent in the neighbourhood of her in-laws, parents etc., and live there by leading a self-controlled and virtuous life. She should devote herself to the performance of her duty and to adoration (devotion) to God. She should sustain her life by whatsoever she receives from her father-in-laws. If she has no money or support she should start any handicraft such as spinning, sewing and knitting etc., at home in order to maintain herself. Though such work involves difficulty yet austerity involves difficulty rather than ease. This sort of austerity will enhance spiritual vigour and purify the heart.
Her parents, brothers and their wives should pay special attention to her in order to rear her because it involves great virtue, as the sister or the daughter is an idol of righteousness. In the Manasa Lord Rama declares that in adversity a person should be loved a hundred times more (Manasa, Kişkindhā. 7/3). So these words should be translated into practice in the case of a sister or a daughter. If they can not do so, she should think, "Will God, Who brings up beasts and birds, not bring me up? How can I remain an orphan in the presence of God Who is the master of all?" By holding this view firmly, by depending on God she should remain free from fear, sorrow, worry and doubt. There was a widow who had nothing. Her father-in-laws grabbed even her ornaments. She said, "I am not worried at all because I have two hands to fill in one empty belly."
Girls should learn spinning, sewing, knitting etc., and should receive education. Being married she should serve her husband to the best of her power but should depend only on God. It is a fact that her real support is neither her husband, nor son, nor even her body but only God. So if her husband divorces her, she should not get perturbed. In this connection if she has committed an error, she should immediately rectify it. But if she has not committed any error, she should remain fearless. One feels guilty only when his or her sentiments and conduct are not good otherwise why should he or she feel guilty? So one having always pure sentiments and conduct should go on worshipping God and should not be worried at all by depending on Him.
The youths of today should not divorce their wives as it is a deadly sin and a great injustice and it leads them to deadly hells.
Question: Can a man have a second wife?
Answer: A man can have a second wife for an issue in order to be free from the debt which he owes to manes according to the ordinance of the scriptures, if there is no issue from the first wife. But he can't have a second wife for mundane pleasures because this human body does not aim at pleasures at all.
He should get remarried only with the consent of his first wife and the first wife should allow him to get remarried so that he may be free from his debt which he owes to manes. After having the second wife the husband should protect the rights of his first wife and instead of slighting her, he and his second wife both should honor her by regarding her as senior.
If the wife dies after giving birth to an issue, her husband need not get remarried because he has become free from his debt which he owed to manes. But he, whose desire for pleasures has not been wiped out, can get remarried because if he does not get remarried, he will indulge in adultery and go to prostitutes and will incur a deadly sin. Therefore in order to escape the sin and maintain the decorum he should get remarried according to the ordinance of the scriptures.
Question: In ancient days there was the custom among kings to have several wives. Was it proper?
Answer: Such custom of polygamy among kings for mundane pleasures was not proper. Kingship does not make a man model. Only those kings who performed their duty virtuously according to the ordinance of the scriptures are ideal (model).
In fact polygamy is neither necessary nor is something of a high standard. The aim of human life is to realize God rather than to get married. The union of the male and the female is found in all species moving or unmoving from the gods to the ghosts and evil spirits. So this is not important. But the opportunity of God-realization is available only in human life. A human being is qualified and authorized to realize God. It is his birth-right. Marriage is ordained for those weaklings who can't renounce desire for pleasures through discrimination. Such persons are allowed to enter the household life in order to have an aversion to pleasures and to become dispassionate. Such types of persons remain indebted to manes and they have responsibility to run the family succession. But those who are celibates and devotees have no such responsibility. As a man has to pay income tax on income and sale tax on commodities, so has a man to pay debt to the manes only if he has not wiped out his desire for pleasures. He who is free from desire of pleasure is not indebted to anyone whatsoever discipline of Action or knowledge of Devotion he may follow.
Question: Why can a woman not get remarried?
Answer: When once a girl is given away in marriage as charity by her parents, she does not remain a virgin any more. So how can she be offered as charity to anyone else? It is beastliness to remarry her. Secondly she need not be remarried like a man because a man is remarried in order to pay his debt to manes while a woman is not indebted to manes.
From all the four views scriptural, religious, physical and practical it is improper for a woman to get remarried. From the scriptural point of view she is not allowed to get remarried according to the ordinance of the scriptures. From the religious point of view a woman has not to pay any debt to manes. From physical view point she possesses morale and power to control her sexual desire. From practical point of view the question arises where will the previous offspring go? Who will bring them up? The reason is that her new husband will not accept her offspring which she has already got. Therefore a woman should lead a self-controlled life and observe continence without getting remarried.
In the scriptures it has been mentioned that even a woman who has a few offspring (five or seven), meets with a good destiny like that of a celibate if she leads a pious and self-controlled life after the death of her husband. Then there is no doubt that the woman who observes celibacy after the death of her husband will meet with the same destiny as the woman who has ever been a celibate.
Question: What should a woman do if she becomes a widow in her youth?
Answer: She should behave with decorum and should not act against righteousness. She should follow the standard set by Mother Kunti during her widowhood. A woman gets courage to perform her duty by remembering Mother Kunti.
She should not lose her character. The reason is that her adultery disgraces both the families, destroys decorum and leads her to hells after her death.
Question: In these days women demand equal rights like men. Is it proper?
Answer: No, it is not proper. In fact a woman has not the right of equality with man but she has a privilege. The reason is that she comes to her husband's house having renounced her parents etc. She is called the mistress and the queen of the house. It is her husband who has a privilege outside the house. As a chariot moves with two wheels which are kept apart, so do the household affairs run smoothly with their separate rights. If the two wheels of the chariot are joined together, it can't be driven smoothly. Similarly if a woman has the right of equality with man, the household affairs can't run smoothly. If both of them have equal rights, how will a man like a woman conceive? Therefore right of equality in fact means the separate rights of the two, and this is real freedom for both of them.
The system of the division of rights between the woman and the man is a noble one. In fact it is ignorance or folly which impels a woman to have a desire for the right of equality with man. A wise person is he/she who is satisfied with less rights and more duties. Right is a slave to duty but duty is not a slave to right. If a person performs his/her duty scrupulously, the worldly people, saints, great souls, the scriptures and God give him his/her rights.
The desire for rights is the root of the cycle of birth and death of a man and it leads him to hells. We have seen that if the dog of a street goes to another street, its dog runs after the first dog to bite it. Both of them fight. If the former dog falls down and surrenders itself to the latter dog, by raising its leg, the latter one feels pleased over its victory. The reason is that the latter one thinks that it has a right over that street while the former does not think and so it yields. Therefore the fight comes to an end. It proves that even dogs hanker after rights. Is it human to hanker after rights like dogs? It is only the man of mean mentality who has a desire for more rights. The noble men are those who perform their duty enthusiastically and scrupulously. Such type of people by performing their duty become entitled to more rights.
In fact women don't have inadequate rights. They are the mistresses of the house. All the members of the house who perform their duties outside depend on women for domestic affairs. Women support all the members of the family, serve and sustain them. So they have more rights. But when they deviate from their duty, they have a desire to have more rights.
Question: What is the harm if women also serve in these days of dearness?
Answer: A woman has a soft heart. So she can not tolerate the pain, scolding and humiliation etc., which service involves. She starts shedding tears in unfavorable circumstances. It does not make any difference if you call service either slavery or meanness. A man can tolerate slavery but a woman can't. So men are meant for service, farming and business etc., while women are meant for household affairs. Therefore it is the prestige and honor of women to do domestic work while it is a disgrace to them if they serve outside. If she serves maintaining her prestige, there is no harm viz., she can earn her livelihood by working in the house. She can adopt such means of living as knitting sweaters, stitching clothes embroidery and decorating portraits of God etc. By doing such work she will not be a slave to anyone and will not be dependent on anyone.