Advice Pertaining to Children
Question: How to give birth to ideal offspring?
Answer: Parents can give birth to ideal offspring when their own conduct and sentiments are ideal and their purpose of giving birth to a child is to be free from the debt which they owe to manes rather than to derive pleasure. The reason is that the offspring born because of attachment to pleasure is generally not noble. It was because of the ideal conduct and sentiments of Kuntī that she gave birth to Yudhisthira, an embodiment of the lord of righteousness.
The pregnant mothers should listen to the stories of God and His devotees, should think of them and see their photographs in order to give birth to noble and excellent offspring. Thus being influenced by good company, the mother gives birth to noble offspring. When Prahlada's mother was pregnant, Sage Narada keeping in mind the boy that was to be born, narrated her the stories of God and imparted preaching to her. Thus in the family of demons such a noble son, Prahlada was born.
There are four important factors which are responsible for ideal and noble offspring. They are good (virtuous) actions, good thoughts, good discussion and good company. Good action consists in the performance of virtuous actions. Good thought consists in thinking of the welfare of others and in thinking of God. Good discussion consists in narrating and listening to the characters of God and devotees. Good company consists in remaining established in God by holding the view 'I am God's and only God is mine.'
A human being is free to change his life for betterment, he can progress and can make himself noble. So he should keep company with saints and great souls. If saints and great souls are not available he should live in the company of those strivers who are promptly engaged in the spiritual discipline. Even if such strivers are not available he should think of attaining salvation by studying the scriptures such as the Gītā and the Rāmāyana etc., and meditate on their contents. By doing so he can become a noble man.
Question: What is the reason that the offspring are not good even though the conduct and sentiments of parents are very good?
Answer: The main reason is the bad company which children keep. Parents were indebted to children in the previous birth. So parents have to pay their debts in this birth. Thus children trouble parents so that parents' debt may be repaid to children. Such children who are spoiled by bad company can be reformed by good company. Therefore in spite of parents' good conduct and sentiments, if offspring are spoiled, the parents should remain pleased that they are getting free from their debt which they owed to children.
Viśravā belonged to the Brahmaņa family while his wife Kaikasī belonged to the demon family. So Rāvana was born of them. Ugrasena was a righteous person; but one day a demon disguised as Ugrasena had sexual intercourse with his wife and so Kamsa was born.
Question: What is the reason that the offspring are good even though the conduct of parents is not good?
Answer: Generally offspring inherit parent's nature. But in some cases either because of the debt the offspring have to pay back to their parents or because of any good impression at the time of impregnation or because of the good company of a saint (great soul), noble offspring is born. Thus Prahlada was born in the house of Hiranyakasipu. It is said about Prahlada's birth that when Hiranyakasipu's austerity was disturbed he came to meet his wife and at the time of his wife's impregnation during their talk he uttered the name, 'Vişnu' several times. When his wife, Kayādhu was pregnant, Narada, keeping in mind the boy that was to be born, narrated the stories of devotion to her. So Prahlada had the impressions of devotion. As the taste of water is sweet but its taste changes when it comes in contact with the earth, it becomes different (water of every well is different). Similarly a man's feelings or sentiments change according to the company he keeps.
Question: The soul descends from the father to the son-what does it mean?
Answer: A person regards a Brahmaņa (a member of the priest class) as his family-preceptor and similarly another person regards another Brahmaņa who offers him the sacred thread as his preceptor. But if they leave the body, their sons are regarded as preceptors and they are honored in the same way as their fathers were honored.* As a son inherits the property of his father and becomes its owner, so is the son a representative of his father, he officiates as his father.
Here the term 'soul' stands for the secondary soul viz., the body. The body (son) is born of the body; so the son is the representative of the father in dealings but in spiritualism (salvation) the son is no cause.
* When Arjuna having tied the limbs of Aśvatthāmā brings him before Draupadi, she with earnest insistence requests Arjuna to set Aśvatthāmā free and says to him, your preceptor Drona from whom you have gained knowledge of the scriptures and weapons is standing before you in the form of his son (Aśvatthāmā)-"sa eşa bhagavān droņah prajārūpeņa vartate". (Śrīmadbhā. 1/7/45)
Question: How to train children in order to make them noble?
Answer: Children generally learn by imitating others. So the parents should lead a controlled and holy life and put examples of their good conduct so that children may learn the lesson of good conduct from them and may become noble.
First the parents should set examples to children for the latter's progress and secondly they should impart good training to them through preaching and by narrating the characters of devotees and God. Good training is that which teaches spirituality to children through their mundane dealings. The following few instances illustrate the point.
When parents go out to visit someone, they say to children, You must stay here', but children insist that they should accompany their parents. It perturbs parents and makes the children sad and there is disquietude in the family. Therefore children should be trained by giving them advice in advance-"You should not insist on going when we go to visit anyone, you should do as we ask you to do." If you give this advice to children two or three times a day, they will accept your advice. Then while going to someone's house if you say to the children, "Don't insist but do as we advise you to do," they will obey you.
When there is any sweetmeat or fruit or any other eatable in the house, the child insists on getting it. In the absence of eatables he should be told two or three times in the day that any eatable should first be offered to others and then the remaining should be eaten by him. When the delicious eatable is before him and he insists on getting it, he should be told, "Dear son, those who don't insist on getting the eatables themselves but eat it having distributed among all the members and having offered to others go to heaven". Then he will not insist on it. Thus whatever habit you want to inculcate among children, you should explain to them twice or thrice a day and get it accepted by them lovingly.
Children should be taught good things as-"Dear son, never commit a theft, demand from the mother what you want to take even by weeping but never steal anything. Love your younger brothers and sisters. Offer eatables to them. As Lord Rama loved his younger brother, Bharata etc., and brought them round by loving persuation, you should also love your younger brothers and sisters and not quarrel with them. If there is any discussion, accept what they say without insisting on your point. Do domestic work as parents order. Don't waste your time, remain engaged in some useful activity. Don't lay a claim to the articles of others. Make the best possible use of the articles and so on and so forth". If you repeat the advice two or three times a day, it leaves an impression on the hearts of children.
It means that children should be given good advice both by examples and precepts. In this connection parents should remember Lord Krsna's words:-
"There is nought in the three worlds, O Pārtha (Arjuna), that has not been done by Me, nor anything unattained that might be attained; still I engage in action. If ever I did not engage in action relentlessly, men would in every respect follow My path. If I did not perform action; these worlds would perish; I should be the cause of confusion of species and I should destroy these beings." (Gītā 3/22-24)
Question: These days the school environment is not good; therefore what should be done for the education of children?
Answer: Children should be given education at home daily. They should be narrated such stories which explain that those children who obeyed parents, progressed while those who disobeyed them, were spoiled. When they start reading books, they should be asked to read the characters of devotees. They should be given the advice-"Don't have independent relation with every child, don't mix with everyone. Come home direct from school. Keep the company of elderly people. Eat the home prepared articles, don't eat the preparations of market because the
shopkeepers aim at earning money without thinking of their ill effects on the consumers. So their preparations are not good. The preparations of market will be digested by you now because of your good power of digestion but they will have an ill effect in future."
A householder should pay more attention to the character building of children than to earning money because the earned money will be used only by children. If children are spoiled, money will spoil them more. In this connection the great men say, "Money need not be accumulated whether the son is dutiful or undutiful" viz., if the son is dutiful, he will lack no money but if he is undutiful, he will squander all the accumulated money.
Question: Should children be educated in Christian schools?
Answer: No, children should not be educated in Christian schools. If they are educated in Christian schools, in spite of living in your house they will become Christians viz., outwardly they will remain Hindus, but inwardly they will become Christians. It is a great shame on your part that Christians coming from thousands of miles can convert your children into Christians but you can't maintain your household children to be Hindus. Protect your country by protecting your children because they are the main property of your country.
Great and rich persons should run their own schools and colleges where there should be arrangement of imparting good education and maintenance of good discipline. The teachers should possess good conduct. Though such teachers of good conduct are rare yet they can be available if efforts are made. In such schools and colleges students should be given religious education, and the scriptures such as the Gītā and the Rāmāyana should be taught. There should be provision of compulsory religious education for at least an hour everyday.
Live a simple life yourself and teach the same to children. If you renounce tastes, fashions and luxuries and engage yourself in the best of pursuits, it will leave a good impression on children. There should be a temple in the house and God should be worshipped. Every member of the family should drink the ambrosia of the feet of God. There should be divine discourses and discussions. The divine name should be chanted and verses and songs pertaining to God's glory should be sung. The better you are, the better will be the children because example is better than precept.
Question: What should parents do in order to arrange the marriages of their sons and daughters?
Answer:-The important factor is the destiny of sons and daughters. But it is the duty of parents that in selecting a bride for their son they should judge her by her good nature because she will live in the family throughout her life. She should not suffer from any deadly disease. Her mother's nature should be good. All these points should be examined as for as possible. Similarly in selecting a bridegroom, they should see that both the bridegroom and the family are good and worthy. In the scriptures it is mentioned that there are seven factors which should be considered while selecting a bridegroom:-
kulam ca śīlam ca vapuryaśaśca vidyāṁ ca vittam ca sanāthatām ca
etāngunan sapta parīkşya deyā kanyā budhaih šeșamacintanīyam
"The parents should marry their daughter to the bridegroom having examined seven qualities in him. They are his family-background, modesty, body, reputation, wealth and patronage (help and support of elders)."
The daughter leads a happy life if her husband and his mother are good. The daughter should be married to the husband whose house is neither too close nor too far from your own house. The reason is that if her-in-law's house is too near, there can be more quarrels** and if it is too far, the daughter can't easily pay a visit to her parents.
It means that the daughter should be married to the bridegroom in whose house she may live happily and comfortably without suffering any pain and the family should grow.
** If the daughter's in-law's house is too near, she will tell her sorrows to her mother. Her mother finding herself unable to tolerate it, will tell it to the daughter's mother-in-law. So there will be quarrels among her in-law's. The daughter should not disclose her suffering to anyone. The secrets of the house should be confined to the house without disclosing them to anyone. Otherwise it will prove to be a cause of insult to her, she will have to suffer and there will prevail disquietude in the house in which she has to live day and night.
Question: Is it a sin to take dowry?
Answer: Yes, it is a sin.
Question: If it is a sin, why is it ordained by the scriptures?
Answer: It is ordained in the scriptures that dowry should be given rather than accepted. There is neither glory of taking it nor it should be accepted. The reason is that it is within one's power to give dowry but it is out of one's power to receive it.
Desire is of two kinds (1) Just desire to gain what is one's own; but this desire is also a stumbling block to God-realization (2) Unjust desire to gain what belongs to others; this desire paves the way to hells. Similarly the desire to receive dowry leads a person to hells. Reception of insufficient dowry, more dowry or no dowry, depends on one's destiny. But the desire to lay a claim to the money of others by unfair means paves the way to hells. What a great loss and downfall it is to go to hells having received this human life! Therefore a man should at least renounce this desire of grabbing the money of others which leads to hells.
In fact money is gained according to fortune rather than desire. If it was gained according to one's desire, one would never remain poor. One's desire to gain money has neither been fulfilled nor will be fulfilled nor can be fulfilled. It will have to be renounced. If money is to be gained, it is gained easily without having a desire; but it is gained with difficulty by committing sin and injustice if one has a desire to gain it. In the Gītā Arjuna asks, "Dragged on by what does a man commit sin, unwillingly, as though driven by force?" Lord Krsna replies, "It is desire which is the root of all sins" (3/36-37).
In the olden days it was a custom to distribute the money received from in-laws among people. Moreover the parents of the bridegroom performed religious sacrifice, offered charity to the needy, offered food to Brahmaņas (members of the priest class) etc., as penitence. The reason is that acceptance of the bride as charity makes a man indebted to others. But a householder has to accept a girl as charity. So he thinks that he should pay this debt by offering his daughter as charity to someone else.
We have noticed that those Brāhmaņas (members of the priest class) who accept a cow etc., as charity according to the scriptural ordinance, perform religious sacrifice or recite the Gayatri metre (a Vedic metre repeated by the twice-born in morning and evening devotion etc.) as penitence. When it is a sin to take others' money, it is certainly a sin to accept dowry. If dowry is to be accepted, it should be accepted in order to fulfil the desire of the person who gives it and to please him. If a person has no desire in the least to take dowry and he takes a little in order to please the giver only, his taking it is like offering it to others.